


Disappearing Act

by Tsume_Captor_von_Lohengrin



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Apocalypse, M/M, Parallel Universes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-01
Updated: 2014-06-30
Packaged: 2018-01-21 13:33:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1552244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tsume_Captor_von_Lohengrin/pseuds/Tsume_Captor_von_Lohengrin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jake disappeared some months earlier, without a warning, without a trace. Now Dirk has weird dreams, and a mysterious figure starts interfering with the rest of the gang. From behind his aviators, Dave tries to help, both in order to help Dirk get his boyfriend back and to understand just what the heck is happening. It's certainly not to try and make sure nothing happens to his best derpy friend. Of course not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It's an irony thing

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 04:13 --  
  
TT: Dave.  
TT: Yo, Dave.  
TT: Daaaaave!  
TT: Dave!  
TT: Dave.  
TT: Dave.  
TG: do you have any idea what godawful time it is  
TG: like at all  
TT: Something like four in the morning.  
TG: let me ironically roll my eyes here  
TG: like roll so hard they might just roll on and away on forever street and leave me blind all by my lonesome saying like  
TG: sorry dude need more rad and your skull just aint rad enough  
TG: like some fucking unfaithful bitches who are only after your money and throw a lawsuit at you claiming  
TT: Dave.  
TG: ...  
TG: nevermind that ran away from me  
TG: what do you want at such an ungodly hour  
TT: Sorry for interrupting your beauty sleep, princess, but I need someone to talk to right now.  
TG: ...  
TG: unironically  
TG: cause you could have taken it up to hal if you just wanted company  
TG: that dream you interrupted was getting pretty sweet  
TG: just needed a bit more aj and it could have won an award for best fucking dream ever  
TG: put it in a frame over the mantelpiece and boast about it to all the other dreams  
TT: So when's the wedding?  
TG: what are you talking about  
TT: You were obviously having one of those dreams. You know the ones. So when are you two going to finally get married? I've got a shitton of gift ideas, you don't even know.  
TG: ok fine what is it why are you contacting me  
TT: I saw Jake in my dream.  
TG: jake  
TG: like your lost boyfriend jake right  
TG: the one that suddenly vanished  
TG: is this going to get pornographic cause the tissues and lube are on my bedside table and i swear that if i move im going back to bed  
TG: porn or no porn  
TG: i dont care cause i can make my own with some choice derpass  
TT: It didn't. Geez, if I wanted to share porn dreams I could have done it with my bro. No it was weird, and I don't think I should just talk to him about it just like that without thinking of how I'll phrase everything.  
TG: ok im going to humor you and ask what was in that weird dream  
TT: It started out like the last time I saw him. We kissed briefly, promised to meet again soon, and he left the apartment. But it was more like your apartment rather than mine.  
TG: what no endless ocean  
TT: No, just an average apartment building that looked exactly like yours.  
TG: but didnt you tell me that he left through the portal thing  
TT: The appearifier.  
TG: that  
TT: Yeah exactly, but that's not even the strangest part yet. In the dream I followed him out and through some streets. Post-apocalyptic-like.  
TG: what type of apocalyptic like robot apocalypse or mass alien abduction apocalypse or zombie apocalypse or godmotherfuckingzilla apocalypse  
TT: More like meteor apocalypse, I think.  
TG: meteor  
TT: Yeah, big ass pieces of outerspace rocks crashing down to Earth. Meteorites, if you prefer. And then I noticed he was wearing a gas mask, and carrying a weird rifle I've never seen before. Looked kinda like a lazer gun from some sci-fi or something. He walked for a while, then stopped in the middle of a big street. Didn't you say one of the major streets of the city runs near your apartment?  
TG: yeah its like the next street over  
TG: why  
TT: It was full of eerie shadows everywhere. And then he raised his arm holding the gun straight up and shot. I looked up to see what he was shooting at, but I didn't see anything. Then when I looked back down, he was nowhere to be seen, and where he was standing there was instead this grey-skinned guy with weird orange horns. He shook his head as if in dismay and then everything shook and I woke up hearing Jake scream my name.  
TG: and thats it  
TT: Yeah that's it.  
TG: dude who you choose to use to masturbate is none of my business  
TG: like i could write a whole encyclopedia about all the fucks i dont give right now on the matter  
TG: and broads will cry in utter distress cause fuck i ran out of shits and damns too  
TG: no shipment till apocalypse sorry hoes  
TT: You're such a moron, I was talking about Jake but you, you stupid ass, you decide to focus on the random dude.  
TG: bro i know you miss him but hes been mia for a couple of months already  
TG: i know it sucks but you gotta take it to rose if you want psycho help or analysis or w/e  
TT: Dave I think that dream was a way for me to know I can do something to find out what happened to him.  
TG: this is stupid  
TG: youre stupid  
TG: where will you even begin to look  
TT: I don't know man... I have no idea... maybe I'll start where I heard of you.  
TG: that guy has been offline since before you even started to contact me dude  
TT: So? Doesn't mean I can't find another way to get a hold of him.  
TG: didnt you say the guy is a writer or w/e  
TT: Yeah maybe I can ask Roxy and Rose to help me out. Good thinking, bro.  
TG: yeah you do that ill go back to bed and dont forget to send invitations when you get married to the horns guy or w/e  
TT: Dave you would act the same in my shoes if John had disappeared instead of Jake.  
TG: cant read you over the piles of fuck i dont give  
TT: Sure, night fuckass.  
  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased being pestered by timaeusTestified [TT] \--

Dave stayed seated in front of his computer, thoughts racing through his head. It was unlike Dirk to act like that, all unironic and shit. Sure, Jake was involved (or at least seemed to be involved), but... Yeah sure, Dave was too cool to get worried, but somehow even all his coolness couldn't stop the ironic pang to his heart. And what Dirk had told him to try and get his sympathy... that was low. Ironically low and uncool. So low and uncool, in fact, that he had to stop a moment and wonder just how something this ironic could be so uncool at the same time. After that moment passed without bearing any worthwhile answer, Dave went back to the matters at hand and took full and complete advantage of the fact that he was alone in his room. He literally mugged and raped the shit out of that fact without even a “please” or “thank you”, strangled it with a metal bat and burned its clothes off and left it to die all bloodied in the acidic, pooring rain on the side of the highway where nobody would help it or call an ambulance. And he bit his lip. He fucking unironically bit his lip and double-clicked a certain bespectacled derp to bring up a chat window.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 04:48 --  
  
TG: hey derp  
TG: i know youre asleep right now  
TG: pester me when you see this k  
TG: just being ironic here  
TG: might go get some apple juice when the stores open  
TG: anyway later  
  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--

Not really feeling any better, but knowing that that pang to his heart was unironic as shit and way too uncool, Dave took off his shades and ironically flopped back on his bed, before quickly slipping into a dreamless sleep. The next morning greeted him with the usual traps and smuppet ambushes and awkward fist bumps with Lil Cal before he ever saw the shadow of his Bro. A bowl of Fruit Loops and a bag of Dorritos later, plus a short trip at full speed to the downstairs corner store to get some sweet, well-deserved apple juice, both Striders were lounging comfortably on the couch, watching the pointless and repetitive news, or the slightly less pointless and repetitive cartoons. Just whichever it stopped on briefly when Bro's finger got tired of channel-surfing.

“Dave we need to talk,” suddenly began his Bro, all serious as shit and unironic and killer aura. Dave gulped inaudibly, fighting hard to keep his renowned Strider-branded poker face. When Bro got like that, it usually meant bad news. “You know I don't like when you cut up your hours of sleep to chat with your friends.”

Oh. That talk. Ok this would be easy, no need for alarm. “Dirk was panicking and being a pansy because he had a bad dream. I made sure he understood I didn't like being unironically woken up in the middle of the night for reassuring post-nightmare talks.” All smooth as a smuppet's velvety ass.

Bro kept silent, his face unreadable and his shades rightfully in place, as they have always been. But that was cool. No words was cool. It meant, at the very least, that he wouldn't get his ass handed to him in the next few seconds because of Dirk. Seriously, that guy was ironically rad and sometimes creepy at the same time, but he seemed to forget some people actually had too much parental attention. Bro was cool and ironic and the shit and Dave could live with that. He lived with that every day and he couldn't say it wasn't more than ok. But sometimes Bro was such a mother hen it was actually ironically scary. Finishing up his breakfast, he rinsed his bowl, glass and spoon, dumped them in the dishwasher and went back to his room. In time to hear pesterchum's notification sound, meaning he was being pestered.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 09:38 --  
  
EB: dave? what is it?  
EB: oh, i guess you're not back online yet hehe.  
EB: ...  
EB: come on, dave! you're making me nervous! come tell me what's up!  
EB: it's unusual for you to ask me to contact you like that.  
EB: daaaaaaaave!!!!!!!!  
EB: if this is a prank, it's not funny!  
EB: do i have to ask rose?

Something unnamable tugged at Dave's lips as he sat at his desk and read his messages on pesterchum. What a derp, that Egderp.

EB: ok that's it i'm asking rose.  
TG: wow chill out man  
EB: dave!  
TG: in the flesh  
EB: what's going on?  
TG: nothing much  
TG: mostly chilling  
TG: i could probably rap all day about this chill  
TG: all frosty and it gives me a thrill  
EB: dave, please, no, stop.  
EB: i can't stay long, i promised my dad i'd bake a few cakes with him to make up for that time i was late to school.  
EB: remember when you were busy rapping to me the last time?  
EB: man, my dad was really unimpressed.  
TG: yeah those rhymes i told you then were the sweetest ive done in a while  
TG: so sweet my bro threatened to play dentists to make sure i wasnt getting any cavities  
EB: hehehe.  
EB: so why did you want me to pester you?  
EB: it almost made me worried sick!  
EB: did something happen?  
TG: no man everythings cool  
TG: just needed to see some blue text is all  
TG: between my bro and that idiot dirk ive been seeing way too much oranges lately  
EB: ahaha! ok well i gotta run, i'll probably be back in a few hours if you still want to rap then.  
TG: dude  
TG: i always feel like rapping  
TG: except when i dont feel like it  
TG: its an irony thing  
EB: hehehe ok see you later dave.  
TG: later derp  
EB: psch! douche.  
  
\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

A small laugh almost made it past dave's lips, but he held it in. It wouldn't be cool or ironic. Instead, he leaned back in his chair and opened a bottle of apple juice as he browsed his usual sites. His comic would be due for an update in about an hour, but it wasn't urgent. The thing practically drew itself and it took probably longer uploading it than it took for Dave to draw the last twenty pages or so. And he had an awesome computer with a kickass wicked internet connection. If it went any faster, it would probably be going back in time. He raised an eyebrow though as pesterchum's notification sound rang again. Had Egbert managed to escape cake duty? Unlikely, but still not entirely impossible. As he checked, though, his eyebrows drew together and his breath hitched just a tiny bit. It was him. The elusive author. The one who had introduced him and his friends to Dirk and his gang. None of them knew who that guy was. He never really talked much and he wasn't often online. They didn't know what he looked like or how he knew so much about them all. Dave fought back a gulp and read the message on pesterchum.

\-- scriptGambler [SG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at 10:59 --  
  
SG: don't look for him

Him? Who was he talking about? What was he talking about? Dirk's pestering from last night came to his mind and his frown deepened. Had Dirk already gotten a hold of him? Unlikely... and why the heck was he telling this to Dave, then, instead of Dirk?

SG: he'5 5tubborn like a mule, he wouldn't li5ten even if i gave him every argument in th33 book  
SG: but you're 5till 5keptical and all, 5o li5ten to me  
SG: do. not. look. for. him.  
SG: tru5t me  
SG: the ri5k i5n't worth it  
SG: you'v33 all got way mor33 to lo5e than gain in thi5 end33avor

Fucking criptic mind-reader. How the fuck could he even do shit like that? Wasn't that illegal? Like an invasion of privacy or something? Seriously that dude gave Dave the chills, and not at all in a good way. Hands trembling just the slightest bit, Dave brought his hands to the keyboard, determined to at least make this fucker talk.

TG: hey sg long time no see  
TG: which rock did you crawl under  
TG: dude we all thought you had ditched us like some used condoms or something  
SG: r33533rve your flirting for th33 blue, i'm probably the one l33a5t intere5ted by your my5teriou5 "5trider charm" or whatever you call it  
TG: i love when you play hard to get baby  
TG: it makes my whole body tingle warmly  
TG: especially when you say my name like its an insult  
SG: you're getting off on making the5e conver5ation5 awkward in the hope5 of 33mbarra55ing m33, aren't you  
TG: is it working  
SG: no  
TG: then i guess ill have to try harder  
SG: plea5e don't, i'm not in the mood to deal with a headach33  
TG: they say sex can cure headaches  
TG: wanna try  
SG: oh my cod 5trider 5tay focu5ed and pay attention to what i'm telling you  
TG: ive been wondering  
TG: do you actually have a lisp or is it really just a stupidly annoying typing quirk  
SG: we've already been over thi5, 5trider  
TG: no i mean  
TG: you know obviously a lot about us  
TG: but all we know about you is  
TG: your chumhandle  
TG: the fact that youre an author  
TG: and that youre probably either a psychic or youve planted chips in our brains to read our minds  
\-- scriptGambler [SG] sighs --  
SG: fine w/e  
SG: if i tell you, will you con5ider what i'm telling you 5eriou5ly?  
TG: sure man  
TG: but only if you answer a few questions  
SG: ok deal w/e what do you want to know  
TG: the lisp thing first  
SG: ye5, i have a 5light li5p, bar33ly noticeable by other people but it'5 more prominent when i'm tired  
SG: what el5e  
TG: boy or girl  
SG: are you 5eriou5ly a5king me thi5  
TG: need-to-know basis  
TG: im sometimes pretty unconvinced of either one  
SG: it do335n't matter where i'm from but 5ure, w/33, male or w/e i gue55  
TG: whats that supposed to mean  
SG: it mean5 what it mean5, what'5 it to you  
SG: now hurry b33fore i decide that thi5 i5n't worth my time aft33r all and i corrupt the very core of pe5terchum to 5tall you  
TG: what do you mean we shouldnt look for him  
TG: are you talking about jake  
SG: ye5 fore5t green  
SG: who el5e could i be talking about  
SG: it'd b33 way too long to explain 5o ju5t li5ten to me and don't look for him  
TG: are you a psychic or something how the heck do you know so much about us  
TG: who the hell are you exactly  
SG: i need to go now 5trider bye  
TG: fine a last one  
TG: will he come back  
SG: ...  
SG: very unlikely  
  
\-- scriptGambler [SG] stopped trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

Dave clenched his fists, eyes still trained on the bright blue-green text on his screen. He really didn't like that guy. Determination hardening his eyes and the lines of his face, he brought up another pester window.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 11:28 --  
  
TG: lets find jake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> scriptGambler [SG] is my fantroll. the random "33"s replacing his "e"s are not a mistake, it's one of his typing quirks. also, if you're hanging around on pesterchum, I mostly use his chumhandle, and most days I open up the memo "HotelFruityRumpus"


	2. Writing and gaming are pretty obvious

"Let's find Jake" he said. Though they soon understood it wasn't that easy. At all.

CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board RAINBOW SWEETASS TART.  
  
CTG: someone please remind me never to let you guys decide on the name of a memo  
CTG: ever  
CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CEB: oh come on, dave! its not that bad.  
?GG at ?:?? responded to memo.  
?GG: Hoo hoo hoo! I think that name is just fine!  
?TT at ?:?? responded to memo.  
?TT: Hey Janey? Where's Roxy?  
?GG: Unfortunately with her head in the toilet again... I hope she'll use this as a lesson and lay off the drinks, at least for a little while...  
CURRENT tentacleTherapist [CTT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CTT: Now go on, Dave. Why did you open this memo. I'm actually pretty curious.  
CURRENT gardenGnostic [CGG] responded to memo.  
CGG: yeah! what happened?  
CTG: you all know jake disappeared a while back right  
?GG: Yes. I still can't really believe it, even after all that time...  
?TT: Well a few days ago, I made the weirdest dream. Jake was in it, calling for me.  
CTG: right the next day sg told me not to look for him  
CEB: sg? really? so he's back?  
CTG: havent seen the guy online since and he didnt talk to me again  
CEB: sucks.  
CTT: Why would he tell you that?  
CEB: what do you mean why would he say that?  
CTT: Think about it. He probably didn't bring that up with Dirk because he knew Striders tend to be hard-headed when they've decided they want something. So he knew Dave wasn't partial to the idea. What I don't understand is why he brought it up the way he did.  
CEB: did dave send you the pesterlog?  
CTT: No, but the simple fact that he tells us this after calling this memo means SG's plea had the opposite effect. Which he should have anticipated, so I'm perplexed.  
?GG: You're right, it is weird.  
CTG: though our problem is  
?TT: How do we go about finding Jake?  
CGG: aren't you guys like in a parallel universe or something?  
CTT: From what we figured out with Roxy, that is correct. We still don't know exactly how SG managed to enable us to communicate, though.  
CGG: i'm curious though... could you tell us more about your dream, dirk? maybe that could help!  
CTG: wait ill send you the pesterlog itll be faster  
CTG: http://tinyurl.com/dirkdream  
?GG: A laser gun? And who was that weird guy you saw?  
?TT: No idea.  
CEB: it's all so weird!  
CTG: im sure sg knows something  
CTG: he cant not know anything  
CTT: He probably has an idea where Jake is, too, and what happened to him.  
CGG: then we should all try to get him to tell us!  
CEB: did sg tell you anything else, dave?  
CTG: only that hes a dude with a lisp  
CTG: and that he thinks its very unlikely well see jake again  
CGG: well what does he know! I say we won't know for sure until we try!  
?GG: Rightly said, dear Jade! Hoo hoo hoo!  
CEB: do you guys have a plan?  
CTG: i think the fastest way to get on with this shit would be to track him down and force him to give us some answers  
CTG: the first time he contacted me was on a random memo i had opened to ironically humour by bro  
CEB: same.  
?TT: On a gaming forum my auto-responder was demolishing with Roxy. It told me the dude was interesting and that I should check it out. I think Jake told me it was a memo about movies.  
?GG: He e-mailed me through Betty Crocker's contact form, which I thought was somewhat weird.  
CTG: what about you lalonde  
CTT: I found him on a writing forum. he used to go there quite often, but he apparently moved on. I'm not sure if this could be a lead or a dud.  
?TT: I don't know, but at least it's a start.

Dave caught movement from the corner of his eye and almost jumped right out of his skin as Lil Cal "appeared" next to his screen. His blue eyes shone with mischief and his big smile only proved he was having fun. Trying not to let his hands shake as his heart beat all out of rhythm, he fist bumped Cal.

"'Sup Cal? What brings you to my room?", he asked, sure he wouldn't get a verbal response anyway.

He tensed as a hand fell gently on his shoulder. "He was worried about all the gloom in here recently. You know how he is," came Bro's voice from behind him.

Dave glanced up over his shoulder and at his Bro's anime shades. He didn't have to search, he knew where his Bro's eyes were even if he couldn't see them. And he knew that in those eyes, a twinkle of worry was shining. The man was cool, ironic, hard as steel and the most badass ever, but he could be such a mother hen sometimes. Which was totally cool and ironic normally, but right now really wasn't the right time for that.

"Bro this is really important and I don't really have the time for-", he started, before interrupting himself as he could feel a chill run down his spine. Oh. Fuck.

"More important than reassuring Cal and telling him what's wrong? Are you trying to hurt his feelings?"

He was in so much trouble. "No, I mean-"

"Dave, roof in five."

And with that Bro flashstepped away with Lil Cal, leaving him alone. Hurriedly, he typed one-handedly on his keyboard "brb bro wants a strife chill your tits while im gone babes" as he scanned his room for his sword. Finding it nearly burried behind his bed, he put his status to idle and flashstepped to it before heading to the roof. Dread held his guts like a vicious, enraged bulldog, but he knew the consequences for not going would be far worse that getting there like a man to take his beating. Oh, he knew he had skills, he knew he was strong, probably the strongest of all his friends, but that didn't mean he was any match against Bro. Thirty minutes of getting his fine Strider ass handed to him by Cal later, Dave managed to immobilise the puppet to the roof with his sword... only to get his ass kicked even harder and faster by Bro. By the time he managed to crawl back to his room and climb back onto his chair on shaky legs and wobbly arms, both of which he would of course deny to anyone and everyone, three hours had passed. He had lost consciousness on the roof for a while, but he seriously didn't think he would have been gone so long. He checked his memo, but everyone had already left. A look through the pesterlog told him they hadn't said much more after he had gone. His parting line had made them all giggle (they were so into him, all of them, all victims of his Strider charm), then they had convened to try and track SG on writing forums and the likes, with Rose and Roxy continuing their research on their side. The last lines were Dirk instructing him to do the same. Boring. Dave wobbled his way over to his bed and flopped down on it, completely drained. He knew he'd have to face Bro again soon. The bastard was worried and beating him up was only to try and convince him to talk. Rolling onto his back, he took off his sick shades and put an arm over his eyes. What could he tell him, anyway? He wasn't even sure what was going on himself. The one thing he knew was that his stomach wasn't at ease at all about any of this, as though it was trying to emulate that shitty skating game he often played. None of this sat well with him at all, as though it had spent a few weeks dancing the rumba in a fish market lacking in janitors. Pesterchum's notification jingle rang from his computer, but he ignored it. His body hurt all over and was ordering him to take a nap, and he had every intention to do just that. The jingle rang again a few seconds later, thrice in rapid succession, then a short pause and it rang again, and again. As he frowned, face in his pillow, trying to ignore the noise, he noticed the jingle seemed to make a beat. An annoying beat, but it managed to grad his attention. With a defeated sigh and a grunt of discomfort bordering on pain, Dave got up and wobbled his way over to his computer, that had gotten silent again. Plopping his bony ass in his chair, he checked pesterchum and his frown came back full force. Two "chums" had pestered him: Roxy and a chumhandle he didn't recognize, although it appeared the Lalonde had logged off already. Curiosity getting the better of him, he checked the messages from the stranger first.

\-- piedPiper [PP] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at 18:00 --  
  
PP: hey-puru  
PP: yo-puru  
PP: tg?-puru  
PP: you there?-puru  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] is now an idle chum! --  
PP: oh-puru  
PP: weLL doesn't reaLLy matter-puru  
PP: q just find it funny that sg us aLL strung up and upset-puru

Dave stared at his screen in surprise. SG?! This person is in league with that douche? But... there weren't nearly enough messages to make that beat that had grabbed his attention. What the fuck?

PP: grabbed your attention, did i? hehehe~-puru

He frowned at his screen and brought his hands forward, but they hovered over his keyboard. What would he write back? He needed answers, but he didn't want to be blown off again like SG did the last time...

PP: you're trying to ckrner sg to get some answers from him, right?-puru

Dave resisted the urge to bite his lip and simply glared at his screen as his fingers danced on the keys.

TG: you know something  
PP: niqe of you to finaLLy keep me from monoLoguing aLL aLone-puru  
TG: who the hell are you  
PP: you couLd say i'm his friend, though we're not reaLLy cLose anymore-puru  
TG: why are you contacting me  
PP: because 7 feLt Like it-puru  
PP: i'm pretty seLphish-puru  
PP: and i just Love tormenting him-puru  
TG: if you know him personally then cant you answer some of my questions  
PP: nah, i'm not as informed as he is, and i can't raeLLy think of how i couLd teLL yoyou anything you'd reaLLy awnt to know-puru  
PP: aLthough personaL questions i couLd probabLy manage just~ fine~-puru  
TG: then how can i get in contact with him how can i get him to spill the beans  
PP: oh, he'LL end up taLking, don't worry-puru  
PP: though the5e's another way than chasing himw down aLL over the work-puru  
TG: work  
PP: netwmork or whatever yku caLL it-puru  
TG: and whats with the puru  
TG: sounds lame  
PP: you're Lamw-puru  
PP: anyway, i suggest you check it out if ytu don't want to run around in circLes-puru  
PP: the name is s.i.m.o.n.-puru  
PP: teh game is p.o.p.-puru  
\-- piedPiper [PP] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
TG: whats that supposed to be  
TG: oh great  
TG: fine bye who cares about you anyway

Simon? Pop? What the hell was that supposed to mean? He leaned back in his chair and stared blankly at his screen. A game? How was that even relevant? Then again... didn't Dirk say SG got to him and Roxy from a gaming forum...? And why were they telling him? Why not tell this info to Dirk directly? After all, it was his boyfriend that got spirited away. Sure, Jake was more or less his friend, but he was far from being a close friend. He was way too genuine and gullible, not ironic at all. At least John's pranks were borderline almost labellable as ironic. John... What was he even thinking about? Uncool... There was no "my boyfriend is better than his". Because there was only one boyfriend. Jake and John were nothing alike. After all, Jake had been the one to ask Dirk, as the story went, while John, although Dave thought he was frustratingly giving mixed signals, had clearly said, in his own words, that he wasn't gay. That he wasn't a homosexual. And he had expressed, in their bro talks, an interest in all their lady friends, the womanizer, although he hadn't made any move on any of them. But Dave was cool with that. The blue-eyed wonder wanted to break hearts? Why not let him! At the very least nobody berated him for his fantasies about tapping that fine Egbert ass and that was all that mattered. He could live happily ever after married to his right hand and his over-active imagination. His Bro was doing it and he wasn't such a cracked pot, right? Right. He had nothing to be jealous of. Dirk and Jake had been in an unironic relationship that had always seemed too genuine and awkward. They were both just stupid dorks. A sigh escaped his lips and he bent almost in half in his chair to put his head in his hands. This was stupid. It was beyond stupid. There really was no point in ruling over fucking Narnia with John like he'd been doing. Maybe Roxy had been right when she told him he needed a fag hag. Maybe she had been right in telling him keeping things as they were wasn't healthy. Or maybe she had just been drunk and delusional. The usual amount of sense she made when she was smashed was not relevant at all. Then crimson eyes widened. Roxy! Remembering she had left him a message, he clicked to open the pesterlog.

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 17:59 --  
  
TG: hey da-stri  
TG: janey told me about teh disconcussion  
TG: *discumsession  
TG: *lol dat 2  
TG: *fukkit hard  
TG: tho i agere dat idiot SG could pottentialy be found on writing shizz, i'd say not 2 excude gaaming stuff  
TG: *potentially  
TG: *exclude  
TG: back then he rly knew what he was talkking absout so i thik he's at least a little gamer  
TG: *typos  
TG: still totes wiishing yuo luck w/ buster boy ttyl cya  
  
\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

Yes, of course. It would be a little surprising if SG himself was waiting in that game PP had just told him about, but maybe it was a test. Or maybe he was being fooled. That wouldn't be cool at all. Well it wasn't like the research depended on him. He figured he could afford to "get sidetracked" for a while, do a little research on this "Pop" game and that "Simon"... but after he'd had his nap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all the errors in PP's typing are purely random, they don't have a pattern or a purpose. I generated them with Pesterchum's mispeller. it's already taxing to put "logical" errors in Roxy's text...
> 
> I'm not using piedPiper on Pesterchum, it's already used by someone else. still using scriptGambler and often opening the memo HotelFruityRumpus for those interested. don't be shy I don't get much action on pesterchum...


	3. One-way ticket to NOPE-ville

Doing research on this "Pop" game had been a stupid idea. No, worse, a retarded idea. Dave knew he wasn't well-versed at all on videogames aside from ironically shitty skateboard games, but this was plain ridiculous. He couldn't even find any trace of even a rumor about any game called "Pop". Mayde it was an acronym, but then what did the letters stand for? Why was he even bothering to check it out? It was stupid and uncool and he was so done with this shit. The actual fucks he was giving about it had descended in freefall and gotten through the floor and all the way down to motherfucking China! He had managed to avoid the inevitable "talk" with Bro as of now because he had kept busy and serious and cold and Bro seemed to have gotten a gig and had left him alone, but the blond knew it was only a temporary respite. Bro WOULD get him to talk because there was little else that distressed him more than Lil Cal being worried. Not that he knew what he wanted to tell him. Really, what COULD he tell him? All he knew were scraps and pieces that didn't even make sense individually, and even less together. This was just too much of a mess. His Strider honour told him not to give up, but his Strider logic told him this was all bat shit crazy. He really didn't know what he ought to do any more... He brought his gaze back up as he heard pesterchum's notification jingle. Rose has messaged him, it seemed. Maybe she's had more luck on her side?

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 11:45 --  
  
TT: Say Dave, Roxy and I might have made a break through but we need to confirm something first.  
TG: really  
TG: so whats this big break  
TG: what did you want to know  
TT: We might have figured out exactly "what" is separating our group from theirs. Why where we live is so different. Why we simply can't meet.  
TG: oh and why is that  
TT: first I need you to tell me something.  
TG: ask away i guess  
TG: i might just be generous and answer you  
TT: What is the name of your Bro?

Dave stared incredulously at his screen for a little moment. Why did she want to know that? Why did it matter? How did it matter?

TG: bros name is bro   
TG: hes fine like that why would he need any other name   
TT: Trust me, it's important. Can't you ask him if you don't know?   
TG: dude you cant go around asking peoples names unironically like that   
TG: that just aint cool   
TT: Fine I'll give you something to awaken your curiosity.   
TT: Do you know what my mom's name is?   
TG: mom   
TT: Very funny, but no.   
TT: My mom is named Roxy.   
TT: And Roxy's mom is named Rose.

His incredulous stare turned to a complicated mix of confusion, skepticism and amazement.

TG: coincidence  
TT: That's why we want to verify, doofus. Go and ask him, I'll pester John and Jade about the same in the mean time.  
  
\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

Roxy is Rose's mom. Rose is Roxy's mom. Ok, no, he refused to think about that, he already had enough shit to deal with aside from that. And first, he'd give the big job to the guy most concerned about the outcome. Speaking of the douche, he was marked online, as usual. Though with that guy that never meant anything.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 12:13 --  
  
TG: dirk you there  
TT: I'm here.

Oh great, it was robot brain. As unironic as ever.

TG: whatever   
TG: i need to tell something to dirk   
TT: He's enjoying another lengthy ablution at the moment, I'm afraid. Which is merely a figure of speech, of course, since I cannot feel fear or be sorry.   
TG: stfu im talking   
TT: Writing, actually, and I'm not exactly talking so telling me to "shut up" is as effective as telling me to stop breathing.   
TG: stop   
TG: just stop   
TG: whatever   
TG: just give him the message or whatever   
TG: you can at least do that cant you   
TT: I can.   
TG: cool   
TG: got in contact with one of sgs friends   
TG: told me i could find a way to contact him   
TG: the name is simon the game is pop   
TG: thats what the dude told me though ive got no idea what it means   
TT: "P.O.P." is short for Power Of Phantasy, an obscur MMORPG I've played some time ago. "S.I.M.O.N." is the name of a location on a server of the same name. I personally have found nothing of interest at said location while playing, but a rapid search just now reveals that there are many rumors concerning the location in the game.   
TG: why the heck did he build you again   
TT: Am I really obligated to answer this inquiry?   
TG: no whatever aint none of my business anymore have fun decrypting what the other douche meant

Dave was about to close the window when he suddenly received a pester from John. Ignoring the frustrating pesterlog with Dirk's A.I., he changed window, a smile NOT tugging at his lips damnit.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 12:39 --  
  
EB: dave?  
EB: rose told me her mom's name is roxy and roxys mom's name is rose.  
EB: its just so funny!  
EB: a really funny coincidence!  
EB: destiny's prankster gambit must be on overload!  
TG: dont bust a lung egderp  
TG: im too far to give you mouth to mouth if you stop breathing  
TG: at least wait to be in the range of action of my amazingly supple strider lips  
TG: then ill smooch you all you want to make sure you keep on breathing  
EB: ew! dave! i'm not a homosexual!  
EB: though i do appreciate that you want me to keep on living.  
EB: or was that another irony thing?

Ouch. Yeah ok that curve ball had been pretty low and pretty obvious, but still... being friendzoned this hard twice hurt quite a bit.

TG: no need to get this defensive egbert   
TG: man you really need to get a sense of irony   
TG: stop overreacting to this stuff   
TG: should get dirk to help me teach you about this   
TG: so embarrassing   
EB: hehehe yeah sorry.   
EB: though i did call the irony on this.   
EB: guess im getting a little better even though i can't get to strider level.   
TG: w/e keeps you going bro

Damn that dork was stupidly adorable and endearing~! Err... stupidly lame and embarrassing. Yeah. And there was no smile tugging at no Strider lips, no sire, these lips were cast in aluminum and permanently set to a deep, mysteriously contemplative line. That's the shit right there, and the irony is deep as the abyss, running like clockwork and complicated as fuck.

EB: youre so full of yourself dave.   
TG: so what about this big news or coincidence or w/e that the tentacle freak girl told you about   
TG: its not cool to keep a bro hanging high and dry   
TG: though i guess its partly my fault what with my amazingness and all   
EB: yeah well i did some research and found out my nanna's name was jane.   
EB: pretty freakishly amazing huh?   
TG: pretty freaky coincidence yeah   
TG: did she tell you anything more   
EB: nah just that roxy is asking around on her side too.   
EB: i wonder whats that theory she mentioned.   
EB: did she tell you anything about it dave?   
TG: nope she kept silent as the dead   
EB: hehehe.   
EB: so dave i was wondering.   
TG: egderp hold that thought cal just sat down astride my screen

Dave stared idly at the puppet that really had just seemed to appearify on his screen, staring down at him with an inquisitive stare despite his goofy grin. Talk time was now and he hadn't thought of what he wanted to say. He wasn't ready to have a fealings jam with Cal right now, as awkward as that always was. Uncertainly, he raised his hand and fist-bumped Cal, swallowing thickly. His ass didn't feel ready for a beating again. From behind his ironic shades, he glanced around his room, but as usual he couldn't even glimpse the shadow of his Bro. Welp, time to try and cool the game, or die trying.

"'Sup, Cal," he started softly, awkwardly. He didn't like talking to Cal like this, but it wasn't like he had any choice in the current circumstances. "Hey, I know you're worried and all, but really this isn't..." He sighed as a distinctive chill ran down his spine. Abort mission! Change course! "Well... I've got a lot to think about and I really don't feel up for a feelings jam. There's this whole mess I've been drawn into and I can't even begin to figure out how to put everything into words..." Nice going, keep on. "I don't even really understand what's going on myself... I'm not the main character in this shit and it's really hard to keep up..."

Bro appeared in the doorway, a frown on his lips. "'Sup lil' dude. Cal says us two need t'talk a bit. This 'bout th' birds 'n bees 'n all that metaphor bs?"

"Nah, Bro, 's cool. I'll handle it somehow. I'm a Strider."

"Well said. Cal's sad 'n happy t'see ya growin' up so much. Keep 'im proud y'hear?"

"Yeah no prob." Then he remembered something something as Lil Cal seemed to teleport to his Bro's arms. "Hey, Bro, just outta ironic curiosity, what's your real name?"

"Same as yer friend. 's ironic as shit e'ery time y'say 'is name, always wondered what he's like. Let's meet up sometime."

And he was gone. And oh, look, John just signed off after saying it was nothing important anyway. And Dirk's stupid A.I. ceased pestering after some blatant attempt at getting this awesome Strider to play some stupid online fantasy game. This sucked. And yes, Dave Strider, THE Dave Strider, mister coolkid, wanted to flip his shit right then and there. He didn't want to deal with John's no-homo-flirting. He didn't want to think about the implications of Rose's theory. He didn't want to deal with Bro's and Cal's worry. He didn't want to deal with Dirk's shit. He didn't want to deal with Jake's disappearing act. Or random nobodies with psychic powers. Or stupid MMORPGs. Or John's dorky adorableness. No, he knew what he wanted. What he needed. Like air. Like sweet motherfucking oxygen. He needed aj. But not just apple juice like this morning, or any other time. He needed an actual walk without flashstep down the stairs to ground floor and the little way to the corner store and to the back, to the fridges, and back to the cashier where he's take his sweet-ass time drinking that motherfucking nectar right in front of that chinese fuck-face, then back to the fridges, cashier, walk, stairs, and to the actual sofa where he'd chill while watching pointless cartoons. Yep, that's what he needed to do, and no smuppet trap would stop him goddammit. Because this situation was a one-way train to NOPE-ville, without any stops and this fucker was a fucking gonner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actually, message me if you wanna talk to me on pesterchum... I'm pretty much not really using it right now... 'cept for writing purposes because what better way to write pesterlogs than to actually use pesterchum...


End file.
